S’ no(w) Reason To Panic

WOE IS ME. Here is my story for the local newspaper, the Daily Grind:

Snow Reason to Panic

1978 Datsun 260z

Bloody disgrace, Lisa. A little bit of snow and the whooooole country grinds to a halt! All over Britain,copywriters like this idiot are taking their 35 year old sports cars down frozen country paths and suddenly abandoning them part way because they ‘don’t want to slide any farther off the iced-over road’. Nonsense!

I don’t know what the country is coming to. In Greenland, this would be a lovely summer day! In fact, the lack of snow would probably ruin their deflatable snow tires and their too would slip off the road, but not because their vehicles are suited to their average weather, no no, because this country is a bloody disgrace.

Bloody kids in bloody Africa walk 756 miles through blizzards to get water for their families, only to discover the well is frozen! They wouldn’t make such ignorant mistakes if they had schools, but the bloody African snow has buried all the places of learning! But do they give up? Do they abandon their legs and simply roll home empty handed? No, they get othey get on with it and walk the remaining 4866 miles to the nearest Coke distribution plant, then walk home again. It takes years and solves nothing. But they never say die! (Although most of them do literally die in the effort).

Did you know that, under the sea, it snowed so much in 2004 that we are still finding oysters with tiny snowballs instead of pearls? But were the fish late for work? OF COURSE NOT! THEY ARE SHELLFISH, THEY DON’T HAVE JOBS! But if they did, they would have been on time, because being unprepared for rare situations is something unique to British culture.

If only this copywriter had spent his weekend and beer money on getting otherwise pointless, special apparatus fixed to his already impractical car, he wouldn’t have ended up as a MERE STATISTIC in the growing evidence for how modern Britain is TURNING TO SHIT.

Sexual abuse figures? Lower than.ever. Violent crime? Less than ever. Nonviolent crime? Less than ever. Impact of the organised religions on civilised society? Lower than ever. Racism? Falling. Homophobia? Falling. Sexism? Falling. People being unprepared for snow? SOME OF THEM!

This country, eh? Bloody disgrace.

Datsun 260z in the snow

About the Author
Ed Gamester is a silly man who lives in the United Kingdom. He is the harbinger of Ghost Squad, singer of Gay Bum and author of A Rum Run Awry. He fights, kills and dies for TV and films, and gallivants around the place wrestling, drinking and lifting things for glory and profit. Where Ed treads, there stamp the boots of the Guild. Ed does not wear glasses, but feels this photograph makes him look more intelligent and artistically talented than he is. Feel free to contact him: he is disappointingly affable.

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