South England’s Strongest
08:21, Trojan Fitness, Bristol
The dial on the scale slid upwards, heartlessly, to settle with a mocking little bounce at exactly 80.6kg.
“That…” I summarised insightfully, “Is not under 80kg”.
That was a problem because, one month after running my first marathon (on a frozen lake in Norway), I was now weighing in for Britain’s Natural Strongest Man Under 80kg Southern England Qualifier.
Yeah. Bit of a mouthful, eh? The key word that jumps out at people here is ‘natural’, naturally. What that means is that anybody who does well will be tested for an extensive list of banned substances, which is great!
For the record, I have absolutely no problem with performance enhancing substances, per se. It’s just nice to know who is using them so I don’t judge my natural performances against their enhanced ones, or injure myself trying to keep up with an unrealistic standard. Personally I don’t use gear for the same reason I don’t bulk up to twice my size: because being as strong as humanly possibly simply as important to me as being an overall force of unstoppable Guildliness.
So it was nice to know I would be competing alongside other natural competitors. What was not nice to know, however, was that I was not in the correct weight category. In fact, I was really in no shape whatsoever to be competing at all…
WAA WAA: THE GREAT LONG LIST OF EXCUSES
Six months previously I slipped a disc and tore a ligament at England’s Strongest Man Under 80kg, which crippled my performance on the day has stunted my training ever since. I pushed through it to do my Spartan Trifecta weekend and run at the OCR World Championships, but training for the ice marathon (which involved doing three runs of 10, 16 and 21km) then crippled my left knee, which I powdered during the marathon itself.
I had five weeks between the marathon and the strongman comp, one of which was spent trying to convince my knee to bare weight and another was spent resting before the big day. So that gave me three weeks of solid training to go from RUNNING MAN to LIFTING MAN. One week into that, I managed to smash my finger between at Atlas stone and a yoke, popping the end, ripping the skin off and rendering my grip useless. That took a while to heal enough for me to use my hand properly, so (having replaced training with hill sprints for some ungodly reason) I then had an impressive ONE WEEK or so to prepare for war.
To make matters all the more Guildly, a quick pre-competition check-in with a prehab specialist revealed that my deep core muscles basically resemble a dreadlock of battered fibres, which explained why I hadn’t been able to lie down and raise my feet off the ground since Christmas. So that was good… Then, finally, there was the matter of actually making the lightest weight category in strongman whilst eating everything in the world to recover from the marathon.
Having attempted to track my weight using the useless scales in the gym (which gave readings of between 80.3kg, 81.7kg and 82.5kg within 19 seconds) I eventually blagged my way into the local David Lloyd the day before the competition to use their HYPER-MACHINE, which revealed that I actually weighed 81.1kg.
In a panic, I then immediately fasted for 24 hours – consuming nothing but four water tablets (in an attempt to piss it out) and two tortillas both topped with 30g of cheddar cheese, which weighed a mere 140kg yet contained 500 calories. Thanks Lara, for that life-saving insight into calorie efficiency!
After an awful night’s sleep, a sensible 05:00 start and a two hour drive to Bristol (done by my comrade in arms, Chris) I was finally on the scales…and overweight. There was only one thing for it.
“I’m going to have to sweat it out…”
META-QUALIFICATION: THE GREAT ENSWEATENING
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never weighed my sweat. How long does it take to sweat out 600ml? Five minutes? Six hours? I had no idea. All I knew was that it was 08:21 and if I didn’t weigh under 80kg before 10:00 I would be competing in the under 90kg competition…which, to be honest, actually sounded like a lot of fun.
So it was that I put on every piece of clothing I possessed, including Chris’ coat and a 15kg weight vest from the gym, and proceeded to beast myself on the assault bike, incline treadmill and sled to eliminate every drop of water from my body. With no idea what that involved I just went at it until I couldn’t see straight anymore and my legs had gone numb, which took an hour. Then it was the moment of truth.
I peeled off my artic attire and wobbled back onto the scales. Again the dial slid upward, but this time it didn’t even reach the 80kg mark – stopping short at 79.5kg. I’d lost a litre of sweat, twice as much as I needed to! At least that explained the wooziness…
So I’d qualified! To compete…in the qualifications. Hmm. Now it was just a case of somehow refuelling myself and convincing my stupid hybridised legs to start working again before we had to actually compete.
TO WAR: DEATH OR GLORY!
Without a doubt the best thing about this competition was going up against my old friend Lewis Blackwood. Long time readers may remember Lewis was the man I saw lifting Atlas stones at Genesis Gym, who told me there was an 80kg division of strongman. We then competed against each other in England’s Strongest Novice in 2017 – where I just about scraped victory over him by 2.5 points.
We’ve never competed against each other since, so I was an absolute pleasure to test myself against him again – and dear God has he got strong…
85kg Yoke Press
This event did not go well for me. Being the one event I could practise with a smashed finger, I was most confident about the yoke press and had managed 11 reps multiple times in training, so was expecting 12+ on the day.
As it happened, the yoke at Trojans gym was much thicker and more wobbly than mine, and I foolishly set it slightly higher than in training, which drastically reduced my leg drive.
Even so, the first nine reps flew up effortlessly until, all of a sudden, my body just stopped. It had simply run out of energy. Burpees and assault bike HIIT training to sweat out water had drained my shoulders and nothing was firing – I was just out on my feet. I managed to grind out another couple of reps, but I was deeply unhappy with what I assumed would be my best event of the day. It was enough for second place, but Lewis claimed first with a relentless 13 reps! It was clear I was going to have to eat, and eat a lot, if the day was going to be anything other than a write off.
11 reps in 75 seconds: second place, four points.
190kg Deadheft/h3>
This one was a full blown out of body experience. Having pulled a personal best of 11 reps in training, I was looking for a cool dozen or so in the comp – but what I did not foresee was the chap before me pulling FIFTEEN FUCKING REPS. This was very bad news.
Lewis was beating me by one point from the first event, and I knew he was going to beat me on deadlift: not only is his deadlift just better and faster than mine these days, I had beaten him by one rep in our very first competition and the man was (rightly) out for vengeance.
If I came third in deadlift, Lewis would pull three points ahead of me with three events to go – I’d probably have to beat him in everything just to draw! In other words, I was going to have to pull a 150% personal best. So I did. 16 reps.
Thus, the Guild.
I may have blacked out a bit, but I got there. There may have only been a second or so to go, but I got there. I may have curled up in a ball on the floor afterwards with some kind of PTSD…but I got there.
Without wanting to be dramatic, I also learned something important between reps 15 and 16. In that moment, the limiting factor wasn’t how physically strong I was, it was whether I withstand the tsuami of pain and horror that had overcome my entire being, remain calm, control it, overcome it and perform anyway. It was about being Guildstrong: arriving at the crossroads between strength and weakness, and choosing strength despite the massive overwhelming urge to flee and quit.
Yes, it was only a deadlift rep. But it was also every single “I want to quit” moment I’ve overcome in the gym; for years I had been practising for this EXACT moment, by choosing to carry on when it felt like the most impossible thing in the world. In that moment, I knew I’d trained my mind to be as strong as my body – and that meant the world.
Then Lewis came along and pulled 17 reps because GOD DAMMIT HE’S STRONG!
With hindsight, I should have used straps like every single other lifter in the entire competition. But I don’t train with them so I didn’t bother: a Guildman’s grip is the strongest thing known to man, so using staps would technically only make me weaker.
16 reps in 75 seconds, second place, four points.
Axe Hold
I did not like this event. On paper, it’s great: hold a heavy axe out in front of you for as long as you can. Longest time wins, simple and HARDCORE! Except…what constitutes holding it out? How high should it be? How much can it wobble? What sort of position are you allowed to be in?
Of course there are exact rules: head and butt against the post behind you, crease of your upper thumb above your mouth. But in reality, none of that means a thing. Lock out a deadlift – obvious. Get a stone on a platform – obvious. Cross the line with a yoke – obvious. Keep the crease of your upper thumb in line with your lips? Literally impossible to judge: by the time you realise you’re not quite doing it right, BAM, you’ve been counted out. I know I could have held the axe for another 10-15 seconds, but apparently it dropped it too low so was out at 62 seconds. Second place, again
Massive thanks to Chris here who had the decency to shout out the time at me so I knew how long I’d been going, because JESUS CHRIST does 20 seconds feel like forever when you’re holding an axe in front of your face.
The true drama of this event, however, was Lewis – whose butt came off the post twice, so he got his time stopped at 40 seconds. This was a real blow because it put him in last place, which is a really shit way to lose a lot of points. Rules are rules, but nobody came here to overthink their butt position – we can to TEAR IT THE FUCK UP.
62 seconds, second place, four points.
220kg Frame Carry for 20m
I’m quite good at carries because I’m strong, but I’m fast. Actually, I’m too fast: I’ve tripped, slipped and dropped during every carry I’ve ever done in competition, haemorrhaging points that I’ve had to make up elsewhere. I knew this time I just needed to stay calm, focused and relaxed…
EXCEPT I RELAXED TOO MUCH! I lay down and all of a sudden it was my turn to go! No warmup, no practise with the tiny frame (half the size of mine) and no time to get my head in the game. So I stuck to the plan: set off slow, kept a slow pace, made a rapid turnaround at 10m, and accelerated to the line. I went 90% and finished a shade over 12 seconds, which was enough to win – beating Lewis by a mere 0.2 seconds.
So it was all down to stones…and for once, this didn’t bode well.
12 seconds or so, first Place, five points.
110kg Stone over 52 inch Yoke
This event had been playing on my mind for weeks. Back in September, I was very good at stones – but I hadn’t done them at all since then, on account of injuring my back. What’s more, the yoke height of 52 inches may have worked for the taller 105 and 120+ competitors, but for us in the under 80kg category it was more or less chin high! That’s tough enough without a bulging disc stopping you from extending your spine…
In training for this event, not only had I almost completely failed to get even a 105kg stone over a yoke that high, I’d also smashed my finger in the process of trying – and lost all my practise time. Lewis, by contrast, had recently posted a video of himself lifting 150kg stone onto a high platform – a feat I’ve never seen accomplished by an under 80kg strongman.
As the winner of the last event, I was the last to lift. Before me, the guys achieved two, five and six reps respectively – before Lewis stepped up and ripped out an incredible ten. I therefore needed seven reps to win the competition – and I’d never achieved even a single rep before now. It all came down to stones.
Luckily there is only one way to do stones: sheer primal rage. Thus the Guild Fugue.
My tenth rep didn’t quite go over the yoke, but nine was enough to place second again and win the competition overall.
As in other comps, I wrapped my arms in gaffa tape and put tacky over the top. This proved be a mistake, as the stone ripped the tape and left me with tackliness forearms for half the lifts. Luckily I train without tacky so it wasn’t too much or an issue, but next time I’ll use sleeves or bare skin; I’ve already earned the scar tissue on my forearms, after all!
Nine reps, second place, four points.
THE END-ENING
What a weird day. From fading out on an incline-treadmill at 09:15 to standing on the podium at 16:35, it was an insane ride. Thank God for Chris Cassidy, who drove me there and back, brought everything from Haribo to liquid chalk, kept track of the million things I left strewn around the gym, and got me through the horror of rapid weight loss as well as each of the events. I also felt very lucky for the presence of Baz Whitehead in the U105s who trained me in strongman and who dropped pearls of strong wisdom in my ears all day, and for my training buddy Lara whose infectious energy and limitless faith in my ability to crush anything and everything got me through countless training sessions and kept me focused on the day, despite being 200 miles away.
Doing battle with Lewis was a pleasure and a riot. On the one hand it seems strange that he could win three events and came second in one, but still come second overall because he lost an event – when I only won one event and came second in all the others. But on the other hand that’s the whole point of having a competition made of multiple events: you need to be strong at EVERYTHING to win – you can’t have a weak event if you want to win overall. Yet in this case Lewis didn’t lose an event because he was too weak, he just wound up on the wrong side of the rather complicated rules – and that’s a shit way to lose…which is why it will be awesome to see him at the FINALS IN JUNE when we shall do battle once again!
I sure as hell need to get myself in shape by then!
FOR THE GUILD!