Costralianation
Names can be deceptive. This room, for example, should not be called the Virgin Lounge. Thus far, it has been a massive disappointment.
In good news, the Guardians of Australia let me in!
I knew they would. I’m obviously harmless and couldn’t find illegal work even if I wanted it, for which my appearance, demeanour and lack of employable skills are evidence to the contrary.
Even so, I shall pretend it is because I charmed them with my…charms.
Now, to be rid of my useless Sterling! Travelex, you old dog, how’s tricks? Got any wacky new notes for me?
What’s this, $140 for six crisp £20 notes?
Deception! Disgrace!
$1.17 for the Queen’s face?!
You, sirs, must be mad!
I flee.
This exchange rate is bad news. Breakfast alone costs $20 (£17) and my tax-free whisky has set me back £25. Unless their cakes are unusually good value, I may as well leave right now!
Rule two: no looking back.
Very well, I shall live off bread and bread alone.
A coffee shop sign rears into view; TOAST FROM JUST $5! What is this place?!
Very well, I shall live on discarded cardboard cups and discarded cardboard cups alone.
Discarded cardboard cups alone,
As Discardboard Ed, I shall be known.
DAMMIT, THIS IS NO TIME FOR RHYME!
…
DAMMIT!
Suddenly I regret my aforementioned lack of employable skills. Maybe somebody will hire me to follow them around, picking up all the spare money they drop. It would be a cash-in-hand job.
Or I could start selling my belongings. It’s only a matter of time before I lose them all anyway; I’ve been away for less than a day and I’ve already lost my travel pillow (yes, pillow) and the selection of toiletries I purchased in Heathrow.
Luckily, rule four (regret nothing) takes care of the growing realisation that I am deeply unprepared for my current financial situation, and replaces it with 260p of bottled water, fizzing merrily with effervescent vitamin C.
This will form the basis of my nutrition for the next…period of time. Speaking of which, my flight to Townsville has been delayed by an hour.
Alas, I have already checked in and been scanned for evil (or whatever that machine does).
I can do nothing, but sit in the enticingly-titled Virgin Lounge for the rest of this six-hour stopover, and watch as everybody else enjoys the delights of coffee and breakfasts.
I’ve only been here six hours and I am already left out because of the sheer expense of this country. I am being…Costralianated.
[Update: turns out this isn’t the Virgin Lounge. That’s for people with EVEN MORE MONEY THAN THESE PEOPLE!]