Thanks to gender equality in the workplace and constant messages of empowerment, women at the Daily Mail believe they can write as big a steaming pile of bullshit as their male colleagues.
When Gillian Jones took up a career as a journalist for the Daily Mail, she knew it would be a challenge. She resigned herself to having to make up a bunch of crap on a daily basis, and being a small cog in the great machine responsible for the degradation of society in general.
But she had no inkling of the personal devastation her decision would cause.
As a female journalist for the Daily Mail, Gillian assumed she could just make up whatever the fuck she wanted and people would read the tiny fragments they could understand, guess the rest and shout it as an opinion after seven pints of Old Rosie. That’s what male journalists at the paper have traditionally done, after all.
“Writing any old shite is famously the foundation upon which this newspaper is built,” she told us, “The vast majority of our readership can barely read, so what I write is basically inconsequential. Literally anybody could do this job.”
Yet it was exactly that cavalier attitude that propelled Gillian into the biggest catastrophe of her career: an event that would ruin her life forever.
“I was partway through the 17 minutes of scrolling through Twitter than constitutes adequate research for a Daily Mail article,” Jones recounted, “I can’t remember what it was about, but it was probably just your average scare-mongering vitriolic hate speech. Maybe I saw a brown person in a quaint village in Oxfordshire and decided to spout some shit about the rise of Sharia law. Honestly, who cares?”
“Anyway, I was just getting to the good bit – the part where I speculate wildly without a shred of evidence – when my fingers fell off. All of them! They just plopped off onto the keyboard like eight shrivelled frankfurters and held down the random letters PPPJJJJDAAAAASFFFFFFF/////JJJJJJJJJJEEEEEE which, to be honest, was much smarter than what I was about to write.”
That’s right. Whilst trying to follow in the shit-spewing footsteps of her strong-fingered male counterparts like Piers Morgan, Peter Hitchens and Richard Littlejohn, Gillian’s feeble female fingers fell right off her hands.
“At first I blamed immigration,” Jones explained, “Foreigners chop off people’s hands all the time, so it was hardly irrational to assume a member of ISIS had snuck across the Channel Tunnel, snapped up a cushy WPJ (white person job) at PC World, and sold me a shoddy laptop that severed my digits. That’s the real face of terrorism, you know: negligent quality control. I dictated an article about it: NEGLECTFUL MUSLIM IMMIGRANT SEVERS FINGERS OF INNOCENT WHITE MOTHER OF THREE AND USES BENEFITS TO PAY FOR IT. It proved very popular, which I feel justifies the fact that it was total bollocks.”
Yet, as is the case for everything written in the Daily Mail, it wasn’t actually an imaginary terrorist or the Five Pillars of Islam that were to blame. Gillian was about to realise the true cause of her horrifying injury.
“I was thinking up some dumbass hysterical reasons to blame the welfare state, when I realised the truth. It was my own fault! As an idiot woman, I had foolishly been trying to ‘keep up with the boys’ – arrogantly assuming I could write the kind of raging gibberish we admire at the Daily Mail, despite being female. It was a stupid mistake, I see that now.”
Of course, Gillian isn’t entirely to blame for her situation: it’s mainly the fault of our weak progressive society. Tricking women into thinking that they can do the same things as men has been high on the liberal agenda for many years. Many modern women now not only expect to be able to do the same jobs as men, but also expect to be paid the same amount for doing them – despite being physically smaller on average and requiring fewer calories to function.
Thanks to female Daily Mail journalists like Katie Hopkins and Melanie Phillips writing utter fucking garbage about manly issues like immigration and climate change, more and more women are starting to believe that they are equally capable as men when it comes to ranting about things about which they have no knowledge whatsoever. Instead of sticking to the crone-like embittered personal attacks of Amanda Platell or the absolute airheaded idiocy of Samantha Brick, female Daily Mail journalists are now attempting to write proper grown up bullshit like the men, and they’re paying the price. Poor Gillian is just the latest victim of the growing fad of female empowerment:
“I saw all those posters on the underground and, just for a moment, I believed that This Girl Can. But she can’t; I typed my weak lady-fingers off and now I have to dictate all my articles, which is difficult because I can’t use the ‘synonym’ function in Microsoft Word, which really exposes my stunted female vocabulary.”
“I wasn’t going to go to the NHS for help, obviously. It’s full of immigrants. Also 92% of patients die on the operating table, I read that somewhere. Instead I had to get private medical treatment to make new fingers out of cured Kabaños – it has been financially ruinous for me.”
Heaven knows what Gillian will do when she finds out that her new fingers are made out of a type of Polish sausage that is very popular with the immigrant population who shop at the increasingly common Polski schlepy. It might be the straw that breaks her delicate female back.
“If only I had purchased some PERSONAL INSURANCE FOR AS LITTLE AS £5 from SPONSORED INSURANCE BROKER, this incident wouldn’t have been so traumatic for my family.” Jones lamented, profitably.
As far as adjectives go, ‘traumatic’ barely scratches the surface of this tale. As a mother of three, Gillian’s condition has destroyed her family life entirely. We spoke to her husband, Frank:
“This whole ‘empowerment’ thing has ruined our marriage,” he told us, “I mean come on, female journalists? That’s crazy-talk. Everybody knows thinking makes women barren. Ladies are meant to cook, clean and raise children. Before Gillian’s accident we had three beautiful kids, but we’ve had to sell two of them to pay for her surgery and eat the third to sustain ourselves. Guess who had to cook him and clean up afterwards? Me, the man. This whole situation is disgusting. I am disgusted.”
Professionals agree that Gillian’s story is yet another sign that women should stick to being women, instead of pretending to be men. We asked gender scientist and creationist Dr. Darren Schlong for his opinion, for some inexplicable reason:
“If women were meant to write sensationalist tripe for the media, they would have bigger and stronger hands. If they were meant to go to war, they would have aggressive-looking beards to shave off every morning. It they were meant to take part in sports, they would have pointless overgrown pectoral muscles instead of the exaggerated carrying angle of their arms, which God invented to avoid shopping bags knocking into their legs on the way home from snatching up bargains at TESCO: EVERY LITTLE HELPS – CLICK HERE FOR DEALS. There’s a reason why women are called women, and it’s because they’re women. It says so in The Bible, but in Arabic obviously – or whatever language it’s in these days. I’m a King James man, myself: Original and Best.”
The Mail Online has denied all responsibility for the incident, and blamed Gillian’s gung-ho attitude towards journalism in the face of her gender disadvantage:
“We warn all our columnists that a woman’s hands are far less capable of typing the uncompromising gibberish required of the Male Online. We advise our female journalists to restrict their adorable efforts to the softer brainless drivel of the dedicated Femail section of our website, which focuses on fashion, beauty and trends – the things that women should be interested in. If women want to risk their hands writing pure unfiltered bullshit like the men, that’s their decision and we cannot be held responsible for their injuries or expected to pay them the same amount for doing so. It’s called Daily Male for a reason. Wait, what?”
You can view the original article that pissed me off here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4730102/Women-injured-Tough-Mudder-share-painful-tales.html
Ed Gamester is best known as the harbinger of OCR’s Ghost Squad, but he is also the author of the fine book called A Rum Run Awry and a very strange book called Sex the the Titties: The Sexy Adventures of Stann Boothe. He sings for the bands Gay Bum and Bowa Town, and wrestles under many different names including El Nordico Fuego, Cap’n Rumbeard and Metal ‘Ed. He is a performer and coach in stunt combat, and strongman in training with the title of England’s Stongest Novice Under 80kg. You can follow him here on Facebook and here on Instagram.