My eyes creak open and the world spins. My wrist throbs with a dull pain, born of over-punching. After showering, we stalk the streets with one thing on our minds: feats of strength. There is only one problem...the night before. A bottle of vodka and fifteen litres of beer may not have been the ...
Continue reading ...I am in Zakopane, fighting mountains. Their size and tranquility offends me. This mountain thought itself my better, but I have trampled its heights beneath my feet. I have stood upon its pinnacle and cavorted like an ape, furious and triumphant. I have looked upon its rocky soul, and it knew its m...
Continue reading ...Four hours after I head to bed, I wake up. My throat burns. The thirst is outrageous. The drinking will likely kill me. Feverish sleep reclaims me. I dream of punching. Punching 900. Suddenly, Matt is awake. Chaos descends. Next thing I know, my blade is in hand and I am swinging it ab...
Continue reading ...The bus station is refusing to sell us a bus ticket to Zakopane. Moments ago we had a bus ticket and a bus...now we have neither! How has this happened?! Polaaaaaaaand!! It has come to pass that we have missed our bus, through feasting. What's more, our attempts to exchange our ticket were ...
Continue reading ...We have not travelled far, but reality is now a long way behind us. Societal norms are distant memories. What it means to be As Man has changed forever. I fear we cannot return. Nothing matters now. Nothing but the songs we will sing of these days. Nothing but ensuring every minute is sapp...
Continue reading ...My eyes snap open. The room swims before me, the ceiling - mere inches from my face - bucks and spasms. Should I reach out and caress this demon? I attempt...and fail. I have neither the motivation nor motor skills. I am as beast. Suddenly, movement. Bunn - bringer of pain - engulfs my consci...
Continue reading ...I awake to the pertest of buttocks. I lull back into what seems to be the most maddening of dreams. I no longer realise what is real and what is my own insanity. I fear. I awaken and realise all are asleep, and thus decide to read awful Norwegian crime novellas. I shudder and weep at the ...
Continue reading ...I gaze out upon the street. It is lined with brutalist, communist architecture: vast and uncompromising, like my penis. I have been many things, soldier, beggar-man, thief. Until Poland, neither lover nor felon. Tonight I did two things of worth; I fled a bill of perhaps five pounds, and I devoted ...
Continue reading ...We start the day with wine. A bottle each. This is life. This is pain. This is Poland. Lunch involes pizza, pasta...and scallops James. What these are, we know not at all. But they are hot. So hot. Simon burns his giant, alien hands. Scallps James...what hast thou doenst? We take a seat...
Continue reading ...We are trapped in a square. How this happened – a mystery. Apparently, we visited the castle. Oh yes, Simon is here. He is enormous. We are convinced he shouldn't be here for another day at least. We did not plan for this... We meet him in the street. We are not human - we are essential...
Continue reading ...I am woken at some ungodly hour by Matt, jumping up and down. He deposits his phone on my chest and has it blare The Varangian Guard in my face. I feel like my brain has been dried, smoked and spread across Odin's own toast. This is Day Two. I crawl out of bed. Breakfast is cold smoked meats and...
Continue reading ...Why we ever thought to meet hours away from our houses will forever be a mystery. Yet this is how it all begins; by taxi, train and bus - all the way to Kingston Upon Thames. Yes, Kingston-Upon-Thames. What of it? We gather in the garden, for rum. We even have a splash of coke and some mi...
Continue reading ...Having successfully run 13 miles, I'm now fairly sure I can cycle 100. That's how fitness works...right? No? Well, never mind - for I have already overcome my first obstacle! When I agreed to cycle 100 miles, I did so without possessing a bike. Although I still don't own a buy, the wonderful ...
Continue reading ...This evening was far too lovely to spend at the gym. Instead, I donned my white cotton trousers and took to the back garden, for some old-school exercises. Armed only with an 18kg dumbbell and a broom handle, I had a most enjoyable time. It involved pressups, dumbbell curls, shoulder presses, win...
Continue reading ...It has been week since my last post and for this I apologise. In the meantime, however, I have managed to get back to the gym, eat kangaroo, spend a weekend sleeping on a beanbag, and purchase and drink a glass skull full of vodka. Yes, I am the King. 20/07: saw me stagger around the gym, sti...
Continue reading ...I can barely walk today. Yesterday was bad, but today is ridiculous. My feet won't even lie flat on the ground! I got up in the night to get a drink and nearly fell flat on my face! Like I said, ridiculous. Still, I asked for this I suppose. Things I Learned from the Half Marathon 1. A mi...
Continue reading ...The half marathon is is over. Over. Thank the Gods! Having never really attempted anything like it, I decided to try to run 10-minute miles for the whole race. Being a 13.1 mile race, I should therefore finish in 2 hours and 11 minutes. If I managed to pull something out of my hat (we all wear ru...
Continue reading ...The time has come; it is now under a week until I run the Wycombe Half Marathon! In celebration, I am doing no exercise whatsoever and eating lots of junk. In the words of the great Sun Tzu: "When the front is prepared, the rear is lacking, and when the rear is prepared the front is lacking. Pre...
Continue reading ...Normally, people tend to work chest and triceps in the same day. However, after a full chest workout, the triceps are often too exhausted to work to their full potential. When developing strength, this is a problem - as they need to work as hard as possible to get stronger. A common alternative, ...
Continue reading ...This week, I was meant to do a 5km run and a 10km run, in preparation for my half marathon (21km). As fate would have it, however, I ended up spending a lot of time on trains and driving classic cars instead. Poor, poor Ed. When it got to Thursday night, therefore, I was ashamed when I realise...
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