Today, I climbed Mount Doom. For those too boring to be familiar with Lord of the Rings, please see below: The ascent of the mountain, which is actually a volcano called Mount Ngauruhoe, starts a couple of hours into the Tongariro Crossing. Alas, I was told by my shuttle bus driver that I wou...
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I have just spent a week in Orc Land. [Titter.] See what I did there? Because it's New Zealand...and the Lord of the Rings...and...and... Ah, screw you guys. My brilliance is wasted on you. Only kidding - it's hurtful jokes day, after all! What's that? It isn't? But, they told me....
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Last week, I successfully failed to climb Mount Taranaki. If that doesn't seem like a 'success' to you, you're simply not reading hard enough. Read harder. HARDER!! You'll get there. In short, Taranaki was covered in ice and the local adventurers wouldn't rent me any ice-climbing gear because they...
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I have a problem. Actually, I have a few. I have been sitting in New Plymouth (not the most rocking town in the world) since Tuesday afternoon, waiting to climb conquer the local piece of badassery - Mount Taranaki, 2600m high and the most lethal mountain in New Zealand. My problem is that New...
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Today, it is way too cold to climb Mount Taranaki. Tomorrow the weather will be better. So I wait... ...and eat cake...and drink tea...and stare at Mount Taranaki. I'm getting inside its head. Psyching it out for the big day. I'm playing mind games with a mountain. This is mental warfar...
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Wellington. I turned up here on a whim to see Tenacious D and, a week later, I cannot leave. Every day, I wake up in time to check out of my hostel, intent on leaving the city... Every night, I check back into my hostel and vow to leave on the morrow. It is no use. I am smitten. I spend...
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Today was meant to be my first day in Nelson and, to be fair, it was. It was, however, also my last day in Nelson. I have already left... But let me start at the beginning of this silly tale. After failing to climb the Franz Josef glacier due to financial restraints (I am bankrupt), I caught a l...
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24 years ago this very day, the Great Smith in the Sky forged my own Brother in Thunder, Emperor Matthias Bunn of Murderbeers. With him, I have feasted, reveled and lifted for time immemorial. Together with my Brother in Blood, William Billiam, we carved our path through the cities of Europe and...
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The time has come to leave Wanaka. There is much to do here, but I am exhausted and cannot do it justice. Instead, I pack my bags and walk a few kilometres to the main road. Here, after much waiting around, I manage to hitch a lift 300km from Wanaka to Franz Josef, via Lake Hawea. I am too tir...
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I don't know if this is a real thing...but I think I might be exhausted. It feels a bit like my body is shutting down; my legs aren't working properly, every part of my lower back aches for reasons I don't understand and the space between the roof of my mouth and my eyeballs feels like it is ...
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Nothing much happened today, friends. I got up, hitched a ride from Frankton to somewhere around Cromwell, and then another one from around Cromwell to Wanaka. My first ride was in a bus, would you believe it? It was being driven by a fantastic old guy, who was driving three girls from the Kiwi E...
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Today, my hangover told me it was the 19th of May - the birthday of Emperor Matt Bunn. (It is not the 19th of May. It is the 15th of May. I now realise this.) To honour him, I took inspiration from a large group of tourists in town, who were taking it in turns to climb upon a decorative rock and...
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Once I am out of Mossburn, I stop to catch my breath and readjust my backpack, which already weighs a ton. My knees throb and the lunacy of attempting to run 22km in this condition has dawned on me. Still, at least I have made some good distance towards Five Rivers. Casually I check my watch for...
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Today, I shall hitch hike back to Queenstown from Te Anau, after a week of walking in the mountains. Sarah and I have managed to get as far as Mossburn; I have jumped out at the turnoff for Queenstown and she has continued on to Dunedin, on her way back home to Candada. So here I stand, on Highway...
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Reading back, I realise I have been documenting my actions far more than my thoughts and feelings recently. Primarily, this is because I have been confused as of late; uncertain as to who I am and my position in life, let alone my ambitions and the progress I may or may not being making towards ful...
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I'm going to be honest here. The Routeburn Track was a bit shit. The walk itself was clearly wonderful, but the weather was simply atrocious. I had hoped to spend at least 3 or 4 days meandering through the mountain pass, having long lunches and taking lots of photographs. Instead, I pract...
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I wake upon the final day of the Routeburn Track and check my clothes. They are drenched. All of them. Squishing myself back into my boots, I hit the road. I shall not be taking my time today. I shall be running, wherever possible - until I reach THE GREAT DIVIDE! In reality, the Divide is just th...
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I rise late in the Flats hut and break my fast on rye bread, whilst poring over a map of the area. Today, I shall cross over the mountain pass at a leisurely pace, to take in the spectacular views and scenery. If there is a better way to spend a day, I haven't found one...but it probably involves...
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The Road to Routeburn is largely uneventful. I chase a cow for a kilometre or so, until she manages to find her way back into her field. I expect she will now taste tainted...or something. The scenery is magnificent for the entire walk, but I am aware that I am still unlikely to make the Falls hu...
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This is not how I imagined starting my three day hike through the glorious mountain pass of the Routeburn Track. Having hitch hiked my way from Queenstown to Glenorchy, I have been walking ever since... It is about 26km to the start of the track. I have 19km left. The day is passing too q...
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